I think, I feel, I care

I wish I weren't right.

Quite contradictory to my usual nature of feeling pleased when Im right about something (which is almost always except when it comes to examinations )

I have always hurt deeply where children are hurt or subject to things they neednt know about it.

I guess you could figure how hurt Id feel every time I hear/read/think about child abuse. The few things which used to swirl in my mind was how any one could take advantage of the child's pure innocence, how could any one be so consumed to perform such an act, the guilt the child may grow up with, the fear instilled in the child, the possible lack of family support etc. Not a very positive picture I know but neither is the situation.

I have seen several children who have been subject to physical abuse and have felt bad about it, given them all the love i have and supported them and got the right kind of people to talk to the abuser and as far as i know, its definitely reduced and im pretty sure that sooner or later it will stop.

What I hadn't expected in such close proximity to me, to happen to a child iv seen growing past 2 years is sexual abuse. I wish I could say since no physical harm came to the child because of what was done to it,it isn't a serious issue. Fortunately or unfortunately i have enough sense to know that when it comes to this issue, the psychological harm is more severe and tougher to identify.

To see all those questions which had been playing in my mind come to reality was a far more crushing experience than my wildest imagination. Its left me in a state of shock and despair but none which could be called paralysing. Yet, its still running in my mind, over and over again. Im not able to express myself clearly when it comes to what Im feeling right now.

Im lost.

I wish she didnt have to go through it.

I wish I could do something more than offering the kid all the support I can without making it feel odd/guilty.

I wish I weren't right about the impact an incident like this could have on the child.

I wish, for once let me have been wrong.

On the same 7 hour trip I had mentioned in the previous post, I had spent over an hour watching the setting sun actually set behind the curtain of clouds.

I neednt say it was beautiful and captivating.

The curtain of clouds I have to say added to the beauty. In reality, I had mistaken the vast expanse of clouds to be a lake with the reflection of the sunset. Truly I had been decieved by nature. It was only when I recollected that there were no lakes this route did I realise my folly.Nature humbling us to think that the nature many of us have taken for granted can outsmart you in less than a minute.

A cloud, its so fickle. It doesnt exist in solid form yet from a distance, we believe it does.Nature asking- how many times do we,people do that with other things in our life?

The clouds divided the sunset into 2 bits. From above the clouds there was light- bright and yellow (not golden)From below there was darker light a sort of crimson red expanding. Nature reminding us of two sides of a coin perhaps? Everything has its positives and negatives, its dark side and the lighter side.

The gaps in the clouds giving a sneak peek into the light sky reminded me of the world beyond. I dont know if I believe in the concept but it definitely struck me. Im always surprised as to how small we humans would look if the clouds could see. We make such a small part of Earth and yet make so much noise about it?

Another thing which struck me was how close the sun and the clouds seemed. The sun which symbolises heat and light and the clouds which represent coolness and shade were there complimenting each other. Why cant we humans manage to co-exist with people who seem so different from ourselves?

Apart from that those thoughts, I spent more than half an hour doing one of my favourite childhood pass times of making people and objects out of clouds and telling myself a story with the people and objects I found in the sky. Much fun it was and i cant wait to do it again!

PS- Im not sure if these thoughts were a result of some philosophical side of me which im yet to acknowledge or out of boredom! Whatever the case, the thoughts made sense and proved to occupy quite a lot of my time

A week ago I went on a 7hour bus ride and simply wasn't in the mood to read and resorted to staring out the window.

There were some images i saw which made me think. A lot.

One such image was that of 2 trees, less than 500m apart in physical distance but different in every way. Tree1 was barren, standing alone without a bush for company,high against the setting sun. There was some kind of melancholy to it yet it looked beautiful and light. Tree2 was lush; filled with green leaves, with little fat bushes gathered at its base. It looked happy but heavy.

What struck me about the image was how close the two trees were but so very different. I couldnt quite reason how thats possible except for that maybe they were 2 different species of trees. The close distance rules out any chances of soil change or heat or water recieved.

I dont know why but the sight made me relate to the 2 trees as people.Tree1 i looked as a person without a family or many friends but a fantastic career.Tree2 I saw it as a person with a big family,plenty of friends but a halted career.I guess my brain had related the tree's leaves as family which undeniably give a person their happiness, the bushes as friends which stand by our side all along making life seem fuller,the height of the tree as the graph of the person's career and the aura around it (light/heavy) as the responsibilities the package brought with it.

At first glance,I wasnt able to decide which of the 2 trees I liked better. I really couldnt. I loved the fullness of Tree2 but adored the height of Tree1. Undeniably Tree1 had me in awe. It struck me as strong but weathered. The height was fascinating but as i looked at the tip of the tree longer, I couldnt help feeling as though the tip was lost and disconnected.Tree2 brought a smile to my face. Its fullness, its usefulness(a lot of shade it could provide), its freshness. There was almost a sense of comfort i could associate with the tree.What haunted me was the relatively stilted height.

When I connected all my thoughts to my relating the trees to persons, I confess I had a pretty deep, even if confused, insight to myself.

The logic seemed to me to be acceptable worldwide with a few exceptions.
Tree1Persons with family and friends(provided they are all happy) are happier, fresh but loaded with responsibility. Also, a person loving their family would invariably divide their time between family and career and would despite their best efforts fall short in either of the 2 areas.
Tree2Persons living alone with neither family nor friends are bound to feel lonely at some time or the other which brought with it the look of melancholy. However with no other interest,its possible that the career graph takes an upturn which brings the person the beauty and admiration.

After much thought and consideration I decided I'd any day be like Tree1 which had both

Which one would you be?

Iv talked about ownership on this very blog before but I believe the context was with respect to owning up your faults.

This post is a little different.

Human Resource is another subject of my interest. One such theory in the subject is the theory of ownership which goes along the lines that when an employee begins to feel that he owns the company,he would be motivated to act in the beneficial interest of the company. Agreed from the overview.Thus was born your ESOP(Employee Stock Option Plans)

On deeper thought Im forced to think from another perspective which raised one big question in my head-

1.In these times of recession where every person's job is feared to be at stake, is ownership still appreciated?

My reasoning is that it wouldn't be. With no practical experience in the corporate world, Im free to run my reasoning on my general knowledge and rationale. Assuming the theory is true, this would be a boon if it happens in the top management. My question is what if a middle or lower level employee takes to the ownership theory? Logic follows that the employee would perform better. If a junior performs better, the chances of the senior (especially under current scenarios) feeling that his seat is being threatened is higher. If this happens the possibility of the senior taking credit for the junior's initiatives and performance would be prevalent. This would, in turn, mean that the junior is not being recognised for his efforts. Its an accepted theory that recognition often means a lot in terms of motivating an employee.One may infer that thus, the employee loses his motivation to perform despite the feeling of ownership which had motivated him to perform in the first place. Or is it safer to say that when such a situation occurs, the theory of ownership dissipates and recognition as a factor of motivation comes into play? May this be interpreted to mean that recognition is a better motivator than the feeling of ownership?

Last month, as I spent time studying for my CIMA Managerial Level P08 paper on Financial Analysis, I came across a topic which caught and has successfully retained my interest- CREATIVE ACCOUNTING.With the numerous high profile scandals (such as Enron, WorldCom,Satyam) associated with it, it didn't take much.Rest assured, I'm interested in reading up on it, not practising itAfter all, it takes a criminal to catch another.

It revolves around the idea of entities playing with their accounting records in a way which is within the letter of the law but going against the spirit of law. In simpler terms, creative accounting refers to businesses using the loopholes in law to give a rosier picture of their financial standing.

To make the concept clearer, here is a list of a few methods adopted which accounts to creative accounting:
-Playing with the minds of the financial analysts by forecasting lower figures than expected so that when the results come, the company appears to have exceeded expectations

-Exclusion of liabilities/Off-balance sheet financing: this is where the liability is not shown in the books

-Altering the timing of the transaction:companies may delay/hurry the despatch of sales, plan the timing of sale/purchase of assets

-Use of alternative methods of accounting which certain standards allow, especially in cases of depreciation and provisions

-Playing with the leverage given to the management to make some classification decisions

-Recognition of revenue before/after it is rightfully earnt

The motivation behind the concept of creative accounting is listed as-
1. For personal gains of the managers(who get bonuses and other benefits in the light of good performance)
2.For indirect personal gains (where the entity's reputation of a good performer sticks onto the employee)
3.Tax Avoidance (need i say more?)
4.An attitude of following the pack- where managers feel everyone/major players in the industry are doing it and hence they must too.
5.Meeting convenants(conditions)set by banks and financial institutions
6.Increasing shareholder confidence.

While studying the above, I was able to accept all the reasons (which at least to me seemed to revolve around internal factors) except the last one, which I believe has a huge external factor,sparked off an internal debate in me.

If entities are white washing their accounts to show exemplary performance and hence raise shareholder confidence in the company, what about when everything comes to light? Like in Enron and Satyam? At the same time, in my opinion no shareholder would like it if they come to know that the company they have invested in isn't doing well and would most probably withdraw their funds. Every entity is dependant on its shareholder's funds. This directly threatens the future growth of said entity. If this is taken as reasoning than one would be compelled to agree that perhaps its the external pressure on the company which is leading it to adopt unethical methods like creative accounting. However, one can easily argue that in all righteousness the pressure must lead to performance. My argument is- especially in these times where even the top performing companies feel the pinch, how can any entity which knows that most of its shareholders may not be very acquainted with technical commerce,be confident that its funds will not be threatened? At the end of the day, the shareholders are primarily-i repeat-primarily concerned with the return they get in the form of dividends and if this is going to go down a mile, im guessing the smile soon going to become a frown.

So, are we, as society, as shareholders partly in blame for the unethical methods adopted by entities? Can the last reason stated be completely justified as a reason?c

Since my last post went on and on about how my life has been looking uphill, heres a list of those small things which make my life as happy as it is.

Note: I am not saying the same things aren't there in countries. They are all simple stuff which every country might have but I know for a fact that India has.

Top Ten Things I love about India

1. Everyone is connected at some level-knowingly or unknowingly.You stand in the middle of the crowd and theres always some feeling of connection, even with people you have never met in your life before.

2. Everyone is family. The stranger who steps into the lift a minute later would be your kid's "uncle/aunty/brother/sister"

3. The variety of food-not only in the number of dishes or places but the ingredients-the spices, the vegetables, the cereals etc

4.You have everything within a radius of 7kms. May it be a slum, skyscrapers, temples, churches, mosques,shopping malls/areas, "colonies" (group of apartments),educational institutions,food courts,local market-anything else you would possibly need for a living is all within 7kms. Its all there, sometimes if you go a little further, you will find something that suits your requirement perfectly.

5.You can walk barefoot, hum to yourself, grin at the world and still feel perfectly at home. Nothing is out of place here.

6. The prices are to suit everyone. You get the same stuff, with little variance in quality in all price ranges, take your pick and feel your pocket grow heavier.

7. The people. Unbelievable.You have got to experience them to know what Im talking about.

8. The diversity. The number of languages, people's behavior and attitudes, their varied beliefs,their status in terms of literacy,economic conditions, the different customs,traditions (many of which are dieing a silent misunderstood death) the extremes you find in every nook and corner of the country.

9. The topography. Name it and its there in India. For a travel lover, theres plenty you can explore and experience here.

10. Anything you name is bound to be here. Sometimes in disguise,sometimes blatantly.

Keep your senses and brains on alert- India is a country to experience.

Finally another post rolls out after dilly-dallying in my head for a while.

Its been 4 years since I've moved to India.
I've loved every minute.
Had you told me 4 years ago that I would be the person I am today, I would have in all probability dismissed you with a scoff and rude childish remark.

True. India as a country, has its own faults, but which country doesn't? Which country doesn't have foiled politicians, cracked systems, weird people?

I know of none. None which don't have any of the above.

My belief is that every country has its own fouls, some make more noise than others dragging attention to it. The attention directed to the issue is not always corresponding to the intensity of the issue.The truth remains that the issue exists everywhere.

Perhaps one might spill venom when affected directly by the injustice of the fault but I can't comment on that. As far as I've figured, injustice is like death. You know its wrong but you don't realise how much it hurts until you have faced it yourself.

For me, moving to India 4 years ago was upsetting. In all honesty I wasn't bubbling with glee at the thought of having to move back to my homeland after living abroad for more than a decade. I was upset and I clearly remember a few tears rolling down my cheek when the plane took flight. I was upset because I had thought moving to India would be the end of my pampered,luxurious life, the foregone opportunity of having a chance at becoming the school vice-president(something like deputy head girl), the dread of having to yet again join a new institution and make a mark, the thought of leaving back friends and a happily established routine.

The foul mood stayed on for a while but not long like any of my moods. I cant quite point out when was it that I cheered up about the idea but Im guessing a month at the max. There were a few instances in the first 6 months which made me wish with all my heart to rewind time but overall, I knew I was in love.

In love with the mess, the madness, the cheer, the hope, the help, the health, the walks, the prices, the diversity, the food, the climate,the people and everything else to do with the country. Its a way of life- something fresh and interesting.

I dropped almost everything which had defined me till my tenth grade.Each day, I found a new aspect to myself. Each day I found myself growing to be a better person, stronger- physically and mentally. Each day I found myself waking up with a smile, eager to get up and run, to catch an auto who would most probably ask for extra fare seeing im in a hurry to reach class,to deny the auto driver with some unnecessary comment, to catch another auto(this time smiling)to dodge a dung stained swishing cow tail or running to reach class(more so to avoid the big black dog who loves to hate me) just in time and occasionally a lil late,smile at the teacher, get into class, wile away the next 4-5 hours in class with best friend miraculously getting something into my head too and walk home whenever I can with said best friend spending hours chatting and roaming one specific area before coming home tired but happy.It was a new routine, a routine with a difference which I began to love and cherish much more than my old routine which on retrospect,feels pretty dreary.

2 years later another shift- another new institution for my undergrad. This time I enjoyed the early mornings, the sunrise, the pleasant breeze in the morning, the lil walk to class and back out to head towards a playschool I work at to see the little ones grin their recognition,hug their affection and yell their content. Its lovely. Theres hardly a boring day. Theres always something happening. Nope, Im not kidding nor am I referring only to the time I spend with the kids. Im talking about everyday of my life. Theres always something happening, something which brightens up my day or makes it look dreadful but its definitely there, every single day.

And I know its because I live here, in India, my motherland, my country, my home.

Its shown a whole new me who by any and all standards is better than the one I was and I know its just going to get better.

Its made me who I am today.

Nothing is ever going to make me regret my living here.
Not today, not ever.

Self-esteem
Self-respect
Arrogance,Pride and ego

5 terms which I'll tell you about how i look at them.

Self-esteem: What one thinks of himself
Self-respect:how much one credits himself
Arrogance:High self-esteem without substance
Pride: High Self-esteem with substance
Ego:the conscious mind.

Sadly, Im to accept that recently, atleast in India (as far as I know) "ego" is considered synonyms with arrogance and pride. The "higher"/"superior" one considers themselves, the more "egoistic" they are. I could put up a separate post on my study of the "ego" but nows not the time for that.I promise to bug about that a lil while later. For now, let ego be the boss.

Self-esteem I'd say is pretty closely connected to self-respect and arrogance. When one thinks highly of themselves,chances of said person crediting themselves with more than whats due to them is a possibility.This leads that mostly, when this crediting becomes in excess, you land yourself with arrogance.

Self-respect on the other hand is linked to pride and takes it basis from self-esteem. For example if a person has a healthy image of themselves, they are bound to take credit for only whats due to them i.e. they would be more willing to explore and accept their faults. This could lead to pride, if the person happens to be one of substance.

Then again, what can be termed substance? If I take the real way out-its subjective. Unfortunately thats the truth and for a change, its easy. What one thinks as substance the other may not. Iv seen people who consider what they have as substance and hence whomsoever has the same is another person of substance. Iv also seen people who consider what they dont have as substance. Yet again if I were to ignore the differences culture, society and environment bring i could take a chance and define substance to being "Something which makes the person square their shoulders while helping another person square theirs." In less fancy terms, anything which has been of help to someone else along with the person who owns such quality,virtue,object,wisdom etc

Pride, in my opinion is one of the best motivators one could have as well as the most potent destroyer. It can push you to extremes you thought impossible and yet shy you away from the most beckoning experiences.

Having said all that, here is the second question I pose for which I hope I get an answer- when some concept such as the difference in the 5 terms is highly subjective, how does one assume the right to judge/label another with any of the terms? Ironically arrogance and ego seem to be popularly used in a degrading/negative manner?

Out with it!

It might be a harsh way of framing the thought but its the most straight-forward way I can think of.

A more polite version would be: "Express Yourself"

I for one belong to the category who has to learn not to express everything but somehow thats one lesson which continues to evade me on purpose

A lot of people however,Iv noticed dont feel that comfortable about speaking whats on their mind, as it is. I know the people Im talking about are confident. So the matter of self-doubt doesnt arise. Then why dont they express themselves? I've asked them the same question and all i have for an answer is that they just cant.

I dont know the reason but if I knew, Im sure we could work something out and get them to be more expressive.For one, I know its a lil difficult to deal with clamps who clamour everything and hold it close to their heart, never letting anyone know anything. Opening up is filled with positives that any negative one could think of is easily negated.

It makes a lot of difference when one expresses themselves. For one, theres not much ground for doubt/suspicion, it gets people close to you, warms up relationships and just gives a special glow Then why hesitate? I'll give you one more reason not to hesitate- nor you nor i have any idea about whats going to happen next, so why not live for the moment?! Tell those you cherish that you cherish them, those you dislike..hmm..maybe that we could put on hold

Come on, open up and be out with it!!

Over the past few days I have been thinking what would happen if I disappear? What would happen if I fade away into oblivion? It may sound a depressing thought at first but its pretty interesting to think about it.

The first thought which struck me is "Can I disappear?" Is it possible? I could perhaps erase the physical evidence of my existence but can I delete the memories? Thats not in my control. But then again, memories could fade over time?That is unless I have made an impact which would stay on forever. Im not very sure if Iv made an impact in anyone's life for them not to forget me. Family you say? I guess they would remember.

Then again, when I say "remember", I dont expect anyone to remember everyday. I dont remember the people I loved and lost everyday but there are certain occurances which remind me of them. Isnt that good enough?

I aint talking only about departing for good no thank you i have a loooong time left before thinking about it. Im talking of disappearing in terms of walking away. Its a possibility when you are constantly on the move. Iv shifted 4 countries till date and each time its a new life. Sometimes its not even countries, more often its the number of educational institutions iv attended (8 so far) Every school/college is different, with different systems,environments and people. Its made me adaptable no doubt but the fact remains that Iv lost out on a fair number of good friends.I remember them but the question is do they? So many things would have happened,so many people would have walked in and filled the position i had in their lives. Thanks to Orkut and Facebook im in touch with my highschool friends but even then the degree of closesness is vastly different and unavoidable.

So thats the whole unanswered question- can i fade away without making a difference?

I wonder..